I truly relate to what you've elaborated here. Committing to people, hobbies and workplaces, has taken me places and opened doors that I otherwise wouldn't have encountered.
Although, everything that I have committed to in the last decade, seemed effortless. They were entities that I chose to stick with, in a very natural way, where I didn't even feel like I was making a choice. To rephrase this in your vocabulary, I doubt if I was being agentic while making those commitments. Something to wonder?
This adds such a nice dimension to the discussion! I think when commitment is effortless, it doesn't "feel" like agency because we're not actively struggling with the decision. But I'd argue that this effortlessness doesn't negate agency—it's more like spot-on alignment between your choice and your self. I think sometimes the most powerful expressions of agency might be the ones that feel the most natural :)
Could I then imagine that, one is better off not making a commitment, until it feels natural or effortless? That one doesn't have to make a commitment because they think that the act of 'committing to something' is 'good' for them ?
Or would you say this is just an excuse to avoid commitments; a lack of agency?
"If we were to flip that on its head, the fear of commitment is really a failure of agency, of taking full responsibility for our choices and their consequences. A kind of learned helplessness dressed up as freedom. I think that’s why commitment feels so heavy to some people. You’re accepting full authorship of something, and you can't blame circumstances or timing or compatibility for much longer. You're essentially saying 'This is my choice, and I accept responsibility for making it work’."
👏🏼👏🏼 Thank you for writing this, Sindhu. I've had my fair struggle with commitment. I think that "learned helplessness" can be a result of having been forced into certain commitments against our will. Part of the path to willing commitment, for me, has been to cultivate an inner knowing of what I really want to commit to instead of committing for commitment's sake. How do you figure out what to commit to or do you just know?
This is so insightful, thank you for sharing! I completely agree that it takes an "inner knowing" to understand what calls to you vs what has been prescribed. To answer your question: I don't think I just know what to commit to. I've found it's more like developing a relationship with my own decision-making process. Some markers that have worked for me:
- There's a difference between the resistance that comes from growth and the resistance that comes from forcing something that's fundamentally misaligned. So I pay attention to what energises me even when it's difficult.
- I also watch for what I naturally return to, even when no one's watching or expecting anything from me. I think of these as natural gravitational points that signal what I might want to commit to.
You're right to highlight that distinction between committing for commitment's sake versus committing to something that genuinely calls to us. I think that's where agency plays an important role again: it isn't just about the ability to commit, but also about the ability to discern what's worth committing to. What do you think?
Hi Sindhu, I found myself returning to your piece and this brief interaction. I wrote something that kinda responds to your essay and the learned helplessness point. Thought I’d share in case you’re interested in reading it. :)
Those markers are very insightful—thank you for sharing.
Your point about the two types of resistance particularly resonates, and I think it connects to the issue of "being forced into commitments." When you learn to push through regardless of circumstances, you can lose connection to that feeling of misalignment...or perhaps more accurately, you're denied the chance to develop that connection—which is fundamentally a connection to yourself?
And yes, I agree on the discernment point. I'd say the ability to discern is a stronger indicator of agency than simply being able to commit.
Thanks for this, beautifully written evocative and meaningful text. I still have mixed feelings with the notion of committment. I think there are also real traps. I think it may also be possible that there is still something hidden that we had better know before committing to anything. That we may commit at times for the wrong reasons, and forget a deeper call. However I am not contradicting the worth of committment by saying this, I believe.
You're so right! Commitment isn't inherently virtuous, and there can be real danger in committing for the wrong reasons or before we're ready. Perhaps the healthiest relationship with commitment includes both the capacity to go all in *and* the discernment to step back and reassess :)
Hey - this came to me at the perfect moment! I have been struggling with commiting to a new relationship and had to ask myself whether it’s about the person or about my fear of commitment in general. This post helped clarify things, thanks!
I'm so glad this landed at the right moment for you. Whatever you decide, the fact that you're engaging so thoughtfully with it is a strong signal :) rooting for you.
Wow, I relate to this post on such a deep level that it feels like it was written about me specifically. I've also frequently been someone who can commit deeply to interpersonal relationships for years or decades at a time, but who struggles to commit to interests or side projects for more than a few months. I'll typically go all-in during those months, pouring hours upon hours into my new interest and getting to a level that most lay people would consider "proficient", but most experienced practitioners would consider a high-end novice or early intermediate in that skill.
I go back and forth on whether this inclination is a virtue or a vice. On the one hand, my ability to go all-in and my desire to try many new interests and hobbies makes me extremely well-rounded. On the other hand, my fragmented attention makes me unable to do what you put so eloquently - "our ability to bind our future selves to a future is what makes us agentic, rather than just moment-to-moment responders."
I feel that, without being able to commit for years at a time to a specific interest or side project, I can't bind my future self to a specific future, which leaves me feeling very unagentic at times. In particular, when it comes to side projects that I would like to turn into full-time business ventures (like startup ideas I have or my own Substack blog), the only way for those ideas to truly flourish is to dedicate years of focused effort to them.
I guess this reflection has brought me to the most important question for my own psyche - is it possible for me to maintain my natural inclination for broad-ranging interests and hobbies, while at the same time focusing intently on 1 or 2 projects that are likely to drive long-run returns? And, if so, how?
"I would love to hear from you: what do you think commitment signals?" simply put, trust!
Absolutely! Trusting not just the person or path we're choosing but also ourselves :)
Spot on! I believe trusting ourselves to evolve through life, irrespective of external entities is the ultimate agency evolution :)
I truly relate to what you've elaborated here. Committing to people, hobbies and workplaces, has taken me places and opened doors that I otherwise wouldn't have encountered.
Although, everything that I have committed to in the last decade, seemed effortless. They were entities that I chose to stick with, in a very natural way, where I didn't even feel like I was making a choice. To rephrase this in your vocabulary, I doubt if I was being agentic while making those commitments. Something to wonder?
This adds such a nice dimension to the discussion! I think when commitment is effortless, it doesn't "feel" like agency because we're not actively struggling with the decision. But I'd argue that this effortlessness doesn't negate agency—it's more like spot-on alignment between your choice and your self. I think sometimes the most powerful expressions of agency might be the ones that feel the most natural :)
Ah, I see.
Could I then imagine that, one is better off not making a commitment, until it feels natural or effortless? That one doesn't have to make a commitment because they think that the act of 'committing to something' is 'good' for them ?
Or would you say this is just an excuse to avoid commitments; a lack of agency?
"If we were to flip that on its head, the fear of commitment is really a failure of agency, of taking full responsibility for our choices and their consequences. A kind of learned helplessness dressed up as freedom. I think that’s why commitment feels so heavy to some people. You’re accepting full authorship of something, and you can't blame circumstances or timing or compatibility for much longer. You're essentially saying 'This is my choice, and I accept responsibility for making it work’."
👏🏼👏🏼 Thank you for writing this, Sindhu. I've had my fair struggle with commitment. I think that "learned helplessness" can be a result of having been forced into certain commitments against our will. Part of the path to willing commitment, for me, has been to cultivate an inner knowing of what I really want to commit to instead of committing for commitment's sake. How do you figure out what to commit to or do you just know?
This is so insightful, thank you for sharing! I completely agree that it takes an "inner knowing" to understand what calls to you vs what has been prescribed. To answer your question: I don't think I just know what to commit to. I've found it's more like developing a relationship with my own decision-making process. Some markers that have worked for me:
- There's a difference between the resistance that comes from growth and the resistance that comes from forcing something that's fundamentally misaligned. So I pay attention to what energises me even when it's difficult.
- I also watch for what I naturally return to, even when no one's watching or expecting anything from me. I think of these as natural gravitational points that signal what I might want to commit to.
You're right to highlight that distinction between committing for commitment's sake versus committing to something that genuinely calls to us. I think that's where agency plays an important role again: it isn't just about the ability to commit, but also about the ability to discern what's worth committing to. What do you think?
Hi Sindhu, I found myself returning to your piece and this brief interaction. I wrote something that kinda responds to your essay and the learned helplessness point. Thought I’d share in case you’re interested in reading it. :)
https://substack.com/home/post/p-159351736?source=queue
Those markers are very insightful—thank you for sharing.
Your point about the two types of resistance particularly resonates, and I think it connects to the issue of "being forced into commitments." When you learn to push through regardless of circumstances, you can lose connection to that feeling of misalignment...or perhaps more accurately, you're denied the chance to develop that connection—which is fundamentally a connection to yourself?
And yes, I agree on the discernment point. I'd say the ability to discern is a stronger indicator of agency than simply being able to commit.
Thanks for this, beautifully written evocative and meaningful text. I still have mixed feelings with the notion of committment. I think there are also real traps. I think it may also be possible that there is still something hidden that we had better know before committing to anything. That we may commit at times for the wrong reasons, and forget a deeper call. However I am not contradicting the worth of committment by saying this, I believe.
You're so right! Commitment isn't inherently virtuous, and there can be real danger in committing for the wrong reasons or before we're ready. Perhaps the healthiest relationship with commitment includes both the capacity to go all in *and* the discernment to step back and reassess :)
Hey - this came to me at the perfect moment! I have been struggling with commiting to a new relationship and had to ask myself whether it’s about the person or about my fear of commitment in general. This post helped clarify things, thanks!
I'm so glad this landed at the right moment for you. Whatever you decide, the fact that you're engaging so thoughtfully with it is a strong signal :) rooting for you.
Wow, I relate to this post on such a deep level that it feels like it was written about me specifically. I've also frequently been someone who can commit deeply to interpersonal relationships for years or decades at a time, but who struggles to commit to interests or side projects for more than a few months. I'll typically go all-in during those months, pouring hours upon hours into my new interest and getting to a level that most lay people would consider "proficient", but most experienced practitioners would consider a high-end novice or early intermediate in that skill.
I go back and forth on whether this inclination is a virtue or a vice. On the one hand, my ability to go all-in and my desire to try many new interests and hobbies makes me extremely well-rounded. On the other hand, my fragmented attention makes me unable to do what you put so eloquently - "our ability to bind our future selves to a future is what makes us agentic, rather than just moment-to-moment responders."
I feel that, without being able to commit for years at a time to a specific interest or side project, I can't bind my future self to a specific future, which leaves me feeling very unagentic at times. In particular, when it comes to side projects that I would like to turn into full-time business ventures (like startup ideas I have or my own Substack blog), the only way for those ideas to truly flourish is to dedicate years of focused effort to them.
I guess this reflection has brought me to the most important question for my own psyche - is it possible for me to maintain my natural inclination for broad-ranging interests and hobbies, while at the same time focusing intently on 1 or 2 projects that are likely to drive long-run returns? And, if so, how?
so well written
Simply, yes.
I love this!!! Thank you for writing such a wonderful piece